Boris Johnson’s attic contains a portrait of him that is growing ever more competent and magnanimous looking, according to his cleaner Sarah Penrose. Ms. Penrose described the moment when she discovered the painting over two years ago:
“Mr Johnson told me to go up to the attic to get some more Cillit Bang cleaner ‘cos he stockpiles it you see in case they stop selling it. Well I couldn’t find his favourite which is Grime & Lime so I rummaged around for a bit and came upon this lovely painting which looked very like Mr Johnson hisself except his hair was combed and his suit was neatly pressed. Well I didn’t want him to know I had been rummaging around up there so didn’t say anything but then over time I’ve noticed little changes to it which I thought was very odd”.
Ms. Penrose continued: “After he shafted that Mr Gove and started getting shouted at a lot in the street I noticed the jawline in the picture becoming more firm and the steely glint of a true leader developing across the eyes. Then after that burka ‘letterbox’ debacle an almost imperceptible change in the line of his mouth made it look as though nothing but wisdom would pour out of it; like a young Anthony Eden he was. Anyway it seems that no matter what he does nowadays that blinkin’ portrait just gets better and better”.
“I s’pose”, she added, “he’s only gone and made a pact with the devil but has made a balls of it as usual. You won’t print that will you?”.