A cigar shaped broken down interstellar spacecraft has unwittingly drifted into a really bad neighbourhood containing a planet populated by nasty dimwits. The tentacled commander of the craft, Admiral Fenton Dreamlake, said: “Our Hyperdrive packed in about half a light year away from this quite innocuous looking quadrant but as we decelerated we started to pick up some radio transmissions which seemed to be coming from the third planet in a solar system we were heading for. As soon as I saw the content I thought ‘Oh shit, here we go’ “.
Admiral Dreamlake continued: “I immediately gathered the key crew and explained the situation, not wanting to cause ship-wide panic. Our ship’s computer rapidly scanned the entire planet’s history and concluded that they would probably send Bruce Willis up to detonate some thermonuclear weapons to deflect us away from the earth. Based on this analysis we decided it would be best to alter our course slightly away from the earth, drift right through, and hope there wouldn’t be any Armageddon style shenanigans.”
“I’m still considering a suggestion from the Science Officer who thinks that if we get the Hyperdrive back online soon enough then we should jump to light speed quite close to the sun and hope that the resulting shock-wave will cause the thing to go supernova. Seriously, this planet needs to be put out of its misery. At least put a muzzle on it.”