Butcher’s dog appalled by ugliness rumour

A butcher’s dog is said to be appalled by a rumour circulating that they are ugly. Älskling-Bergman, a Swedish Lapphund, said: “I have a fantastic pedigree and Stephen, my human, owns an artisan butchers around the corner from Sloane Square. As you can imagine I was outraged recently to overhear a conversation where a ghastly looking woman was being described as having “a face like a butcher’s dog”. Clearly the people involved didn’t mean to cause offence but this kind institutionalised nonhuman species-ism is at the very core of the English language and needs to be rooted out. Between camels’ backs being broken with straw or innocent fish being shot to death in a barrel there are a whole litany of vile, species-ist phrases that get doled out without a second thought. That being said, I’m glad curiosity killed that stupid cat. They’re bastards.”

She continued: “On closer inspection you will find that these phrases are not only offensive but also demonstrably untrue. My boyfriend Dimitri is a bulldog and he looks absolutely hunkalicious when chewing a wasp.”