Everyone to be given a degree in ignorance amnesty

Under a new flagship education policy entitled “Degrees 4 All” the government is set to give an undergraduate degree to every person over the age of 18 thereby “eliminating ignorance and making Britain a global education leader.” In the plan anyone currently without a degree will be given one of their choosing. Those with undergraduate degrees will be issued a Master’s, those with a Master’s a PhD. and so on. Education Secretary Damian Hinds said: “This will put Britain at the forefront of the knowledge economy and minimise the impact as robots take over all manual work in the very near future.”

Barry Spillane, a lathe operator from St. Ives in Cornwall, said: “I’m going to ask for a degree in Nuclear Science and Engineering as I’m pretty good with my hands. I saw a documentary about Windscale and that other place Sellafield the other day and it looks dead interesting. Apparently the ground is always warm due to the buried fuel rods so it could play havoc with my athlete’s foot. They’ll have to let me wear flip flops on medical grounds or I’ll take it up with the union.”

The head of the UK Atomic Agency Authority has responded by saying: “Fuck this, I’m packing my bags.”