Labour Deputy Leader Tom Watson’s mammoth wieght loss has in fact been the result of a long running hunger strike to oust the leader Jeremy Corbyn, it can be revealed.
In a statement issued by his office, the now gaunt Mr. Watson said:
“There have been a lot of questions around the source of my dramatic weight loss over the last year and I feel that now is the time to clarify the situation. This has not been the result of a punishing diet and exercise regime but is actually a hunger strike designed to eject Jeremy Corbyn who I find deeply unsatisfactory and almost as unpalatable as the morning tofu and almond milk smoothie I pretend to drink every day.
“I didn’t want to distract my colleagues with a hunger strike during the crucial Brexit negotiations and subsequent House of Commons votes because I had hoped Jeremy would score a series of election winning goals against a devastated and deeply divided government. This unfortunately did not happen. After consulting with my family I feel that now is the right time to go public with this.”
The statement continued:
“Given that I don’t have much body mass left to lose I now intend to chain myself to the Speaker’s chair and go on a laxative fuelled dirty protest. However, with the dark wood panel theme and general stench in the Commons at the moment it’s likely that my scatalogical demonstration will go completely unnoticed.”